Mushy Brains

I forgot that I still have a few days with which to work hard and accomplish lots, and I redid my measurements and found I'm on track to have a near-exact month of maintenance. My weight is down a bit, but that's as much a part of where I'm at in my cycle as anything else. I'm simply not as committed as I used to be to my weight loss and fitness goals, but am somehow more committed to myself - how does this even work? I know I'm putting far more importance on my mental health by ensuring I'm not running nose-to-the-grindstone all the time. Trying to sleep more, medicating and forcing sleep sometimes as I've hit a strange patch of insomnia. I just want to be well and rested, and balanced.

The fact I'm still +10lbs more than I'd prefer to be is something I continue to contend with, but honestly I've had nothing but solid maintenance for months. I can't complain about that at all. I wonder how much longer it will take to recover from that month of glutening...

Weigh-In, Fun and Plank Challenge Updates!

The weigh-in was pretty straightforward. Attending the gym dropped off after a week of mentally and physically exhausting house moving. I was done and made excuses about why it was alright to be a lump. I was a bit upset by my weigh-in results, but I know that I just need to get it on project status. In an attempt to get back on the right track I've been keeping up with a food journal. It's ewwy and I hate doing it, but it helps me keep myself in line and reeducates me to appropriate portion sizes and the elimination of allergens. The below results are puzzling - I gained both weight and body fat, but lost inches. My body...go figure.

• Neck: 13.25 to 13.25 (no change)
• Chest: 38.75 to 38.75 (no change)
• R. Upper Arm: 11.5 to 11.25 (-0.25")
• R. Forearm: 9.5 to 9.5 (no change)
• Waist: 30.5 to 30.5 (no change)
• Abdomen: 39.0 to 38.25 (-0.75")
• Hip: 40.5 to 40.5 (no change)
• R. Thigh: 24.0 to 23.5 (-0.5")
• R. Calf: 15.0 to 14.75 (-0.25")
• Weight: 164.8 to 166.2 (+1.4lbs)
• Body Fat: 30.2 - 30.5 (+0.3)
• BMI: 29.2 to 29.4 (+0.2)

The 12 Day Plank Challenge carries on. At first I didn't think I could reliably keep up 2 minute planks, but I successfully completed 3m30s plank today. It's hard and my heart rate surges at the 2m45s mark, but until then it's not unreasonable. That is a HUGE and marked difference from the first 2-3 days of the 12 Day Challenge. My stomach muscles are developing under the skin (which someday I will make a point of removing) and that is a good feeling. I sometimes wish the outside body I have was a better match to the inside body I feel I have. It's not and I must come to terms with that, but it doesn't stop me from being vain and hoping I'll wake up without the skin some day.

The children, Robert, Kevin and I all invested in Fun Passes to Busch Gardens for the summer. It
promises to be a lot of out and about; walking, jogging, adrenaline rushes and all the exciting rides we can handle. We're also making a point to get out to beaches and parks more, incorporating the kids in as much positive physical activity as they are prepared to handle. It's a great feeling to know I'm able to let the kids experience all the fun I have just being out and active.

Thanks for reading!

Brighter Than The Moon

This past weekend has been an amazingly stressful one. Robert and I (with little/no help from Blake) had to finish packing the house, shed and back yard. Then, we had to turn around and clean the house - inside the cupboards, fridge, floors swept, everything picked up and looking pretty. It was exhausting work. I ate well and in great quantities because my body needed it - I wolfed down Gluten-Free food at Cheeseburger in Paradise (my new favorite dive) which is something I hardly ever do. However the work will all prove worth it when the sale proceeds eliminate the financial debts and associated stress in my life. Financial stress is definitely a contributing factor toward overall stress, which contributes to decreased overall health. It makes sense that if I eliminate this one massive stress that I'll be able to focus on my health that much more. Also I hate moving house, it's terrible, and will be glad when I'm finished with it.

I've been keeping up with the Plank Challenge and achieved my goal of 1 minute and 45 seconds for today. The planking is getting longer and more challenging, but never so challenging that it can't be completed. What amazes me is how much easier it is becoming as time carries on. 1minute and 45 seconds feels much how 30 seconds used to feel. An entire minute was entirely out of the question in the past. Even when I agreed with a friend to do this challenge I found myself saying that I'd "die" after 30 seconds but would give the challenge a try anyway. Suffice it to say I think having a 15 second incremental goal is something that is both achievable and motivational. I feel good about the achievement and therefore feel motivated to keep going.

I've had a persistent shoulder injury that has been making upper body work painful, if not impossible. During the move this past weekend I found myself in pain quite often from having moved the muscles in my arm the wrong way. Hugs were often too much pressure, and sleeping (even in super comfy Marriott beds) was unbearable that first night. All of that pain presented even after two emergency Chiropractic visits. The Chiropractor assures me that it's all muscular (and adjusts me anyway, which certainly helps) but it has kicked me off of all upper-body exercises for the time being.

There's not too much more to write about other than a perpetual fatigue, aching muscles and swollen everything. If this is part of getting older I think I'm going to try to find my receipt and get a refund...falling apart is too much maintenance and way too much work!

12 Day Plank Challenge - Day 1

Whilst out and about running errands and preempting needs for the house move (we close on Monday - so close!) we ran into a friend, Jason. He mentioned to me a 12-Day Plank Challenge wherein you
plank for one minute on the first day and then one-minute fifteen-seconds the next day and so on. He explained that based on what he'd seen people remarked on the difference between Day 1 and Day 12 and since I've been hankering for a challenge I decided to give it a whirl and will comment on the changes, if any, at the end of the 12 days. Kind of excited to see if I notice anything. Robert is doing it with me and his starting plank challenge is 40 seconds - a marked improvement from before. I tried to plank for as long as I could and managed 2 minutes and 12 seconds.

Holly Day 1 (Sunday, May 19, 2013): 1 MIN accomplished.
Robert Day 1 (Sunday, May 19, 2013): 40 SEC accomplished.

Weird Things Aren't Always Bad Things

I should suppose that what I've been feeling lately is an artificially inflated sense of "can do!" inspired, perhaps, by the realization that it's alright to try something again after being out of it for so long. There is a different level of approach this time as I feel more motivated by the slower, more knowledgeable sort of fitness patience that I lacked in the first stage of the journey. I find that I am less strict with my diet this time around, and much more forgiving of indulgences and "mistakes". I've stopped trying to achieve such an unrealistic sense of perfection, although it was that sense of perfection that got me as far as I managed to get. It was dangerous though, seriously and even deadly dangerous. All makes sense in hindsight though, naturally, and where I'm at now I'll probably never be again because I'm different now (and where I was, or where I will be, etc etc). Hopefully my perfectionism has been curbed and reeducated enough that I can begin to function happily now, rather than functioning solely to attain a warped, and imperfect, sense of perfection. My children deserve a happy mother, my partners deserve a happy partner and I deserve a happy me - or so I like to think.

In combating perfection on a subconscious level I must made note of a few key mental/physical shifts that have occurred. Firstly, fat is still in my vocabulary but I've made amazing leaps toward applying it only toward actual, real cellulite rather than my body being at a certain size or state of being. Secondly, my hip has not hurt at all today which is interesting. I sprained it a year ago, then climbed a mountain and damaged it further and it hasn't recovered since - I don't remember when it stopped hurting because it was acting up last week, but sometime between then and now a year-old injury has finally been given whatever it needed to mend. I imagine that I'll always have complications in that hip since it was so severely injured, though. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I'm learning to like myself again. I really didn't like myself when I wasn't working out and I continually felt as though I was a liar - a cheat. There was more going on in my life and in my head than I want to share in a public forum, but it all contributed to me feeling as run-down and unloved as some decrepit house that had the windows all smashed out, yet no one inside cared enough to even board up. Learning how to consider myself a worthy investment is hard - I sound depressed when I write sometimes that I worry perhaps I am, but I know I'm not. It's just this horrible cycle I get into right before the motivation to achieve finds me again and we make beautiful things happen.

The darkness before the storm, the kernel before the popcorn, and so on. I'm feeling mighty philosophical tonight, but am also too tired to delve too much deeper. This evening (after a wonderful supper of savory GF pancakes with chevre cheese, chive and egg with lemon-pepper trout and salad that Kevin and I cooperatively prepared) I hit the gym. 30 minutes on a Precor machine that
combined elliptical movement with heavy resistance and then 10 minutes of medicine ball squats/tosses/extensions. Finished up with 3 sets each left, right oblique crunches and 3 sets abdominal crunches at 70 pounds. A walk and a chat on the phone for 30 minutes in the crisp evening air (that felt delicious!) and then home to enjoy a soft bed. It was a good day overall - but I am absolutely spent now.

Thanks for reading <3

It Ain't Easy Being (Gluten) Free

I've jumped back and forth quite a few times between being completely gluten free and then having gluten. I like to pretend that I eventually get used to the level of gluten in my body but I think my body just eventually habituates itself and gives up. When it gets to the point it gives up I stop bloating in target areas (stomach/bowels) and just feel massive and swollen everywhere. I know I've had too much when my neck feels like I've suddenly donned a tight (but not troublingly so) turtleneck. It's unpleasant. Unfortunately the only thing to be done about it is to stay away from it...but that will take time to adjust to. Not eating it is easy enough, but bumping into it at restaurants, on wooden cooking utensils and when baking or preparing food for others it just completely undoes  me.
Reasons why I MUST quit playing with gluten:

1) Feeling massive. I feel easily two sizes bigger because of internal swelling - even if I look the same on the outside. This leads to body image issues which I am trying, desperately, to fix.
2) Depression. I give up easily, I lose faith easily, and I am exhausted. Plays into Reason #1.
3) Bloating. My stomach extends painfully and I get some really nasty side effects.
4) Joint pain. It feels like I have rheumatoid arthritis.
5) Lack of focus. I forget how to spell simple words, need things repeated, am less aware and get lost/confused easily.

My workout today was a good one. I did a 35 minute run with Kevin on the Precor machine that combines elliptical motion with stair stepping - depending on your stride you work different leg muscle groups.  After that we did an upper-body circuit, however because I'm stiff and swollen I wasn't as up to the task as I was the other day, which was pre-breadmaking followed by subsequent glutening. We managed to get a few laps in the pool and then had a 15 minute soak in the hot spa tub. Followed that up with some protein-enriched smoothies and then home for some video games. Due to my swollen hands I wasn't able to keep gaming, and started feeling progressively worse the longer I had to keep my hands clenched in "gamer position". Reason number 6 to stop the glutening: I can't play World of Warcraft >_>;

Ten Promises To Myself - Affirmations and Ego

Today I went for one of two introductory physical training sessions to ascertain where my goals and fitness intersect. My fitness has surprisingly not faltered too much from where I was almost 9 months ago when I was actively engaged in physical activity, however my body fat percentage has gone up

quite a bit. In fact, I just checked my records and I'm only down 2% body fat from January 8, 2012 when I was much, much, much lower before. I wish I had my other records more accessible so I could see when the last time is it was I took my measurements, but the stark realization that I've only managed to keep 2% body fat off in a year and a half is kind of unsettling.

A gem, pulled out of that entry on 1/8/12 though, "Every day is a choice, and I just hope to keep finding the strength I need to persevere, the wisdom to keep striving, and the knowledge that everything will turn out just the way it was meant to." I said that. That was me. I think I needed to hear exactly that to combat how quickly I see myself starting to roll over and accept my perceived inadequacies. That mentality is insane! I'm not inadequate. I'm good enough. Actually, I'm just fine - I'm not what I was, but I've learned so much since then. Surely a few % in body fat is worth being able to say you've come out on the other side barely worse for wear and at least a little wiser?

Today at the aforementioned physical training I realized that my conditioning is alright. I'm not sure if he was being kind, or not, but the physical trainer said I "killed it" when referring to my work on his circuit. The only time I had to slow down was doing the ship ropes, when I felt my shoulder blades (exhausted from previous over exertion/lifting) started popping out of socket and then grinding back into place. I didn't stop, though, I kept going - I just altered my approach and my speed. I didn't give up before it started, and I was a little worried that I might. My defeated mentality has been holding me back for months and has underscored my inability to get up and achieve anything. The only thing worse than a defeated mentality is a defeated and resigned mentality. Thankfully I'm not quite so lost yet. I worried I was, but life is a challenge that I'm going to win because I can and because it's there to be won. Not won by just anyone, but won by me. 

I realize the contents of the blog will likely start sounding more and more narcissistic/egocentric  as time goes on and I feel the need to continually reaffirm the fact that I am even worthy of doing this for myself. That I am ultimately worthy of no longer being sad, fat and depressed. That I have somehow earned the right to grab life by the horns and eat it whole.In my old blog I realized how much time I spent worrying about what other people thought of me and in this blog my only goal is to worry about how much I think of myself. It's individualistically motivated as I foresee that small individually earned successes will beget the results I want, but ego building seems like it might become necessary along the way. There's only so hard you can truly work if you're unable to see/set goals because you don't feel like you're worth it. So, with that in mind I've made a list that outlines my goals toward achieving a healthier mindset. I'm good with lists, and with goals, and I know it won't be perfect but I think article #2 on my list accounts for that quite nicely.

Ten Promises To Myself

1. I won't be self-defeating. If I start emotionally abusing myself I owe myself (or whoever catches me doing it) 20 pushups on the spot. If I can't quit my self-abuse using emotional/mental methods then I'll beat it out of myself physically. (This is incentive and not furthered abuse because pushups when you're depressed and would rather be eating ice cream are terrible. And since they're terrible I have incentive not to be forced to do them - that's how that works, right?)
2. I'll allow for mistakes, but won't excuse them. No excuse is ever going to trump the fact that I either want it enough in any given moment, or I don't.
3. I'll work harder, eat cleaner, and do better because I'm worth it - not because I feel I have to.
4. I'll worry less about the excess skin, and more about the building muscle beneath it.
5. I'll worry less about the number on the scale, and more about how my clothing fits and how I feel in it.
6. I'll reward myself for jobs well done, and with tangible items or experiences that do not include food.
7. I'll be happy, because I can - not because people around me expect it of me.
8. I'll reclaim my own head space and keep the opinions/fear of opinions of other people out of my mindset.
9. I'll train for a once a week on a treadmill - likely Wednesdays/Thursdays. I'll track how quickly I can do it and compare THOSE numbers to gauge success, rather than how much water retention/fat/waste I might be carrying around in fluctuation on any given day. 
10. Only one weight per month will matter, and it will matter LESS than how I physically feel.