Ten Promises To Myself - Affirmations and Ego

Today I went for one of two introductory physical training sessions to ascertain where my goals and fitness intersect. My fitness has surprisingly not faltered too much from where I was almost 9 months ago when I was actively engaged in physical activity, however my body fat percentage has gone up

quite a bit. In fact, I just checked my records and I'm only down 2% body fat from January 8, 2012 when I was much, much, much lower before. I wish I had my other records more accessible so I could see when the last time is it was I took my measurements, but the stark realization that I've only managed to keep 2% body fat off in a year and a half is kind of unsettling.

A gem, pulled out of that entry on 1/8/12 though, "Every day is a choice, and I just hope to keep finding the strength I need to persevere, the wisdom to keep striving, and the knowledge that everything will turn out just the way it was meant to." I said that. That was me. I think I needed to hear exactly that to combat how quickly I see myself starting to roll over and accept my perceived inadequacies. That mentality is insane! I'm not inadequate. I'm good enough. Actually, I'm just fine - I'm not what I was, but I've learned so much since then. Surely a few % in body fat is worth being able to say you've come out on the other side barely worse for wear and at least a little wiser?

Today at the aforementioned physical training I realized that my conditioning is alright. I'm not sure if he was being kind, or not, but the physical trainer said I "killed it" when referring to my work on his circuit. The only time I had to slow down was doing the ship ropes, when I felt my shoulder blades (exhausted from previous over exertion/lifting) started popping out of socket and then grinding back into place. I didn't stop, though, I kept going - I just altered my approach and my speed. I didn't give up before it started, and I was a little worried that I might. My defeated mentality has been holding me back for months and has underscored my inability to get up and achieve anything. The only thing worse than a defeated mentality is a defeated and resigned mentality. Thankfully I'm not quite so lost yet. I worried I was, but life is a challenge that I'm going to win because I can and because it's there to be won. Not won by just anyone, but won by me. 

I realize the contents of the blog will likely start sounding more and more narcissistic/egocentric  as time goes on and I feel the need to continually reaffirm the fact that I am even worthy of doing this for myself. That I am ultimately worthy of no longer being sad, fat and depressed. That I have somehow earned the right to grab life by the horns and eat it whole.In my old blog I realized how much time I spent worrying about what other people thought of me and in this blog my only goal is to worry about how much I think of myself. It's individualistically motivated as I foresee that small individually earned successes will beget the results I want, but ego building seems like it might become necessary along the way. There's only so hard you can truly work if you're unable to see/set goals because you don't feel like you're worth it. So, with that in mind I've made a list that outlines my goals toward achieving a healthier mindset. I'm good with lists, and with goals, and I know it won't be perfect but I think article #2 on my list accounts for that quite nicely.

Ten Promises To Myself

1. I won't be self-defeating. If I start emotionally abusing myself I owe myself (or whoever catches me doing it) 20 pushups on the spot. If I can't quit my self-abuse using emotional/mental methods then I'll beat it out of myself physically. (This is incentive and not furthered abuse because pushups when you're depressed and would rather be eating ice cream are terrible. And since they're terrible I have incentive not to be forced to do them - that's how that works, right?)
2. I'll allow for mistakes, but won't excuse them. No excuse is ever going to trump the fact that I either want it enough in any given moment, or I don't.
3. I'll work harder, eat cleaner, and do better because I'm worth it - not because I feel I have to.
4. I'll worry less about the excess skin, and more about the building muscle beneath it.
5. I'll worry less about the number on the scale, and more about how my clothing fits and how I feel in it.
6. I'll reward myself for jobs well done, and with tangible items or experiences that do not include food.
7. I'll be happy, because I can - not because people around me expect it of me.
8. I'll reclaim my own head space and keep the opinions/fear of opinions of other people out of my mindset.
9. I'll train for a once a week on a treadmill - likely Wednesdays/Thursdays. I'll track how quickly I can do it and compare THOSE numbers to gauge success, rather than how much water retention/fat/waste I might be carrying around in fluctuation on any given day. 
10. Only one weight per month will matter, and it will matter LESS than how I physically feel.