Ten Promises To Myself - Affirmations and Ego

Today I went for one of two introductory physical training sessions to ascertain where my goals and fitness intersect. My fitness has surprisingly not faltered too much from where I was almost 9 months ago when I was actively engaged in physical activity, however my body fat percentage has gone up

quite a bit. In fact, I just checked my records and I'm only down 2% body fat from January 8, 2012 when I was much, much, much lower before. I wish I had my other records more accessible so I could see when the last time is it was I took my measurements, but the stark realization that I've only managed to keep 2% body fat off in a year and a half is kind of unsettling.

A gem, pulled out of that entry on 1/8/12 though, "Every day is a choice, and I just hope to keep finding the strength I need to persevere, the wisdom to keep striving, and the knowledge that everything will turn out just the way it was meant to." I said that. That was me. I think I needed to hear exactly that to combat how quickly I see myself starting to roll over and accept my perceived inadequacies. That mentality is insane! I'm not inadequate. I'm good enough. Actually, I'm just fine - I'm not what I was, but I've learned so much since then. Surely a few % in body fat is worth being able to say you've come out on the other side barely worse for wear and at least a little wiser?

Today at the aforementioned physical training I realized that my conditioning is alright. I'm not sure if he was being kind, or not, but the physical trainer said I "killed it" when referring to my work on his circuit. The only time I had to slow down was doing the ship ropes, when I felt my shoulder blades (exhausted from previous over exertion/lifting) started popping out of socket and then grinding back into place. I didn't stop, though, I kept going - I just altered my approach and my speed. I didn't give up before it started, and I was a little worried that I might. My defeated mentality has been holding me back for months and has underscored my inability to get up and achieve anything. The only thing worse than a defeated mentality is a defeated and resigned mentality. Thankfully I'm not quite so lost yet. I worried I was, but life is a challenge that I'm going to win because I can and because it's there to be won. Not won by just anyone, but won by me. 

I realize the contents of the blog will likely start sounding more and more narcissistic/egocentric  as time goes on and I feel the need to continually reaffirm the fact that I am even worthy of doing this for myself. That I am ultimately worthy of no longer being sad, fat and depressed. That I have somehow earned the right to grab life by the horns and eat it whole.In my old blog I realized how much time I spent worrying about what other people thought of me and in this blog my only goal is to worry about how much I think of myself. It's individualistically motivated as I foresee that small individually earned successes will beget the results I want, but ego building seems like it might become necessary along the way. There's only so hard you can truly work if you're unable to see/set goals because you don't feel like you're worth it. So, with that in mind I've made a list that outlines my goals toward achieving a healthier mindset. I'm good with lists, and with goals, and I know it won't be perfect but I think article #2 on my list accounts for that quite nicely.

Ten Promises To Myself

1. I won't be self-defeating. If I start emotionally abusing myself I owe myself (or whoever catches me doing it) 20 pushups on the spot. If I can't quit my self-abuse using emotional/mental methods then I'll beat it out of myself physically. (This is incentive and not furthered abuse because pushups when you're depressed and would rather be eating ice cream are terrible. And since they're terrible I have incentive not to be forced to do them - that's how that works, right?)
2. I'll allow for mistakes, but won't excuse them. No excuse is ever going to trump the fact that I either want it enough in any given moment, or I don't.
3. I'll work harder, eat cleaner, and do better because I'm worth it - not because I feel I have to.
4. I'll worry less about the excess skin, and more about the building muscle beneath it.
5. I'll worry less about the number on the scale, and more about how my clothing fits and how I feel in it.
6. I'll reward myself for jobs well done, and with tangible items or experiences that do not include food.
7. I'll be happy, because I can - not because people around me expect it of me.
8. I'll reclaim my own head space and keep the opinions/fear of opinions of other people out of my mindset.
9. I'll train for a once a week on a treadmill - likely Wednesdays/Thursdays. I'll track how quickly I can do it and compare THOSE numbers to gauge success, rather than how much water retention/fat/waste I might be carrying around in fluctuation on any given day. 
10. Only one weight per month will matter, and it will matter LESS than how I physically feel.

Sources of Inspiration

Understanding that blogging has always helped me focus my intentions, and put my goals on "project status" helped me decide that it was time to begin a second blog. I put my first blog, Egg in a Box, to rest because the time had come to leave the active loss stage of my life and enjoy some down time. Since my last update I've had a few life-changing events happen: New relationships, pending house sales and purchases, diagnosis of Celiac Disease and a substantial weight gain. The substantial weight gain and realizing how negatively I responded to it mentally/emotionally is what has inspired the creation of this new blog, and what I'll likely be following again while I work toward my continued goals.

Those goals are different than they were originally, however. I have new goals that focus less on a number and more on a state of being - the state of being is something I can attain, whereas I have
learned that setting sights on a number works very well when it seems impossible to reach it. When I started losing weight I was over 330lbs, and I got down as low as 149.8. My original goal when all of this started was 135lbs, but I realized these several key things:

1. Underneath the mounds of fat and skin there is a mesomorph inside waiting to come out and gain muscle. Muscle weighing more than fat (and being something I build easily) means that I also have to change my 135 to a more reasonable 145-150.
2. I have approximately 10 pounds of excess skin that can eventually  be addressed by a plastic surgeon. The 10 pounds will add to my number until I have them removed. Their removal is for more than vanity; excision addresses physical limitations the excess skin places on me and the burdens it places on my organs/heart.
3. I tie self worth to the number on the scale. This is a dreadful habit that I need to work on reeducating toward ideals that are less self destructive.
4. Exercising, weight lifting, and athletic training make me happy. The natural high I get after going in and making my body hurt (in a good way) is almost addictive. It does something for me that nothing else I've ever experienced does. It is my solace time, where I check out from reality for a bit and just get down to business.
5. I love sharing what I know with other people, so having my boyfriend coming to the gym with me or chatting food with my husband is an awesome treat! I'm no expert by any stretch, and will never pretend to be - however I've been trained by experts and feel I know just enough to be able to pass on what I've learned through that exposure. Sharing and building on those fundamentals really makes me happy.

Today was the first time in months that I actually went back to the gym. Life circumstance has complicated my ability to get to a gym  and I am able to admit that I didn't have the gumption to get off of the couch and make exercising a priority at home. After I learned that my G.I doctor needed me to spend several weeks poisoning myself with gluten I also learned that gluten causes serious emotional, mental and physical side effects in my body, running the gamut from fat gain to emotional disturbances. I'm back on detoxing, following (more loosely) the detox information provided by Dr. J. Fuhrman in his book "Eat to Live". The first time I started on my path to wellness it aided me in losing over 100lbs. It is governed by the principal of wholesome, organic foods and a limited exposure to the foods I have to avoid due to dietary restrictions anyway (dairy, gluten, etc). It works for me and I feel good, and happy, when I focus my diet around his methods.

I've been going to the gym for the past two days and got an uplifting reminder: Although I haven't been 'home' (gym) in a while, my body still knows what to do. My cardio needs work but my ability to chuck weights around hasn't changed much. I gained a bit of fat, lost a bit of muscle but my body has almost immediately rebounded. I was lifting 200lb weights simply using the muscles of my inner thighs. The she-beast within is just whimpering to be let out. Soon, she-beast, soon...In the mean time I'm taking it one day at a time with huge support all around me, and trying to get the family even more inspired to get out and active.

The purpose of this blog is less about the numbers associated with weight loss and more about the levels of increasing capability and fitness that come along with wellness - I am including numbers to
gauge how things are changing, but I think this time around is more about making myself mentally stronger (rather than physically smaller). Kevin is also on the journey with me, as is Robert, we're all getting out, active and healthy! I'm also going to be posting things that make me feel inspired, or happy as well as different foods I try that are vegan-friendly/Pescetarian (depending on where in detox I am) as well as outlining the delicious options for someone trying to build muscle and lose body fat that eats a heavy carb, gluten-free, dairy-free, low fat, mostly vegan diet. Hopefully by writing it down I'll continue finding the motivation to keep doing it.

Thanks for reading!