Weird Things Aren't Always Bad Things

I should suppose that what I've been feeling lately is an artificially inflated sense of "can do!" inspired, perhaps, by the realization that it's alright to try something again after being out of it for so long. There is a different level of approach this time as I feel more motivated by the slower, more knowledgeable sort of fitness patience that I lacked in the first stage of the journey. I find that I am less strict with my diet this time around, and much more forgiving of indulgences and "mistakes". I've stopped trying to achieve such an unrealistic sense of perfection, although it was that sense of perfection that got me as far as I managed to get. It was dangerous though, seriously and even deadly dangerous. All makes sense in hindsight though, naturally, and where I'm at now I'll probably never be again because I'm different now (and where I was, or where I will be, etc etc). Hopefully my perfectionism has been curbed and reeducated enough that I can begin to function happily now, rather than functioning solely to attain a warped, and imperfect, sense of perfection. My children deserve a happy mother, my partners deserve a happy partner and I deserve a happy me - or so I like to think.

In combating perfection on a subconscious level I must made note of a few key mental/physical shifts that have occurred. Firstly, fat is still in my vocabulary but I've made amazing leaps toward applying it only toward actual, real cellulite rather than my body being at a certain size or state of being. Secondly, my hip has not hurt at all today which is interesting. I sprained it a year ago, then climbed a mountain and damaged it further and it hasn't recovered since - I don't remember when it stopped hurting because it was acting up last week, but sometime between then and now a year-old injury has finally been given whatever it needed to mend. I imagine that I'll always have complications in that hip since it was so severely injured, though. Thirdly, and perhaps most importantly, I'm learning to like myself again. I really didn't like myself when I wasn't working out and I continually felt as though I was a liar - a cheat. There was more going on in my life and in my head than I want to share in a public forum, but it all contributed to me feeling as run-down and unloved as some decrepit house that had the windows all smashed out, yet no one inside cared enough to even board up. Learning how to consider myself a worthy investment is hard - I sound depressed when I write sometimes that I worry perhaps I am, but I know I'm not. It's just this horrible cycle I get into right before the motivation to achieve finds me again and we make beautiful things happen.

The darkness before the storm, the kernel before the popcorn, and so on. I'm feeling mighty philosophical tonight, but am also too tired to delve too much deeper. This evening (after a wonderful supper of savory GF pancakes with chevre cheese, chive and egg with lemon-pepper trout and salad that Kevin and I cooperatively prepared) I hit the gym. 30 minutes on a Precor machine that
combined elliptical movement with heavy resistance and then 10 minutes of medicine ball squats/tosses/extensions. Finished up with 3 sets each left, right oblique crunches and 3 sets abdominal crunches at 70 pounds. A walk and a chat on the phone for 30 minutes in the crisp evening air (that felt delicious!) and then home to enjoy a soft bed. It was a good day overall - but I am absolutely spent now.

Thanks for reading <3